Phoenix: My 2019 year in review

I don't know how many of you are familiar with the legend of the Phoenix. For those of you who aren't, the Phoenix is a giant, immortal bird that recreates itself cyclically from ashes. That was me this year. Like Nuclear fission, I was split into my most elemental form. The basics. The fundamentals. I had to figure out who I was and what made me, me, all over again. This needs a bit of a back story into my journey into medical school in September 2017.

A young, excited Martyne got accepted into medical school with the government subsidy, just about a week before classes were expected to start.  Scrambling to get everything in order, I highly anticipated what the journey would be like following in my father's and my aunt's footsteps. I was on my way to becoming the third Dr Montrope. It felt surreal. Then the anxiety hit. I didn't even know what it was at first. Shaking hands while writing notes, shaking myself to sleep, waking up in a pool of sweat. The fact of the matter was, it was just TOO MUCH! There was just too much to know, anatomical terms, the blood and nerve supplies, the drug contraindications and mechanisms of actions. I wouldn't know it before exams and I was going to fail. This became my mantra. Day in, day out. I'm going to fail. I can't pass. I worked myself into panic attacks daily, hourly.  Because failing a course in medical school when my father is a doctor is THE WORST thing in the world. Martyne who was always one of the smartest, captain of the quiz team, failing? Oh, the shame! Anyway, to make a long story short, I didn't fail. Not one thing. To date its probably my best semester in medical school. But it went downhill from there. Because I had a fear of being anxious, and that anxiety came from school. So I started to go less, I studied less and initially I was less anxious.  However, that semester failed several courses but they were within the credit amount to continue so I did.

Semester two of the second year proved to be marginally better albeit me dealing with the deterioration of valuable friendships and a few other personal problems that I thought I was actually just avoiding dealing with so I could focus on school.  That Christmas is when it all came crashing down. The facade had been ruined, the "jig" was up. I spent the entire holiday I spent locked up in my room ruminating on things I couldn't change and crying....all under the pretence that the semester had drained me and I was burnt out. Then came the isolation, friends would call and I would ignore them. There came a point where several persons had to call my mother to find out if I was ok and still alive. I told her to tell them that this semester was just really hard and that I wasn't coming to class because I studied better at home. This behaviour continued into semester two of second year. I spent days, weeks and months just staring at a wall. Not wanting to kill myself, but not really wanting to exist. Panic attacks rocked my body every time I attempted to pick up a book to study. I slowly just got sick of myself. There was no pleasure in my existence. It got to the point where I said that I was either going to kill myself or do something about it because things could not continue as they were. As Elizabeth Gilbert said, " I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit". Now I'm not saying poor mental health is your own fault, but YOU are responsible for getting help and actively trying to get better. And that's the hardest thing to hear when you're in the depths of depression and even showering and replying to a text seem like huge tasks. But you have to do it. There is no other option.

And so, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and went to the psychologist at the Western Jamaica Campus ( who I HIGHLY recommend btw her name is Dr.Stewart-Dixon). And things started to get better, little by little. I slowly started falling back in love with life again. Unfortunately, I started this process a little too late and I failed out the second semester. Which means I'd have either have to do an entire semester's courses(18 credits) in 3 weeks or repeat. After speaking with my psychologist and higher-ups in the medical faculty, I decided to do the latter.

 The very fear I'd had from the beginning of medical school had now come to pass. The course is already 5 years long and now I had an extra year. All my friends from Western Campus would move to Kingston and be in white coats and bush jackets without me. They'd ask " Where is Martyne?" and I'd have to explain I was a failure. I had a 2022 class jersey and now I was in 2023. Not to mention the backlash from family. The first person ever to fail anything much less an entire year, in a family where 99% of people went to university. The money wasted. I definitely heard it all. And I almost fell back into that deep dark pit, I can only say it was the grace of God why I didn't. I didn't tell my family about my mental health issues because of how it was handled when I told them about it in first year. So I let them think it was just a case me slacking off.

I decided to ask to be transferred to the Mona campus in Kingston since I did not think that the facilities were conducive to my academic success as well as I wanted to be close to my Western Jamaica 2k22 family. I went up to Kingston with them in the summer so I could do extra classes to prepare for my resits. Then came the hard part. Telling my class family of two years that I would not be continuing with them. It broke my heart every time I uttered the words but I was overwhelmed by the support that I got. I had passed my summer resit with an A grade despite several challenges like not being given the override to do the resit until the day before and the axe hanging over my head that if I failed this exam again, I would be kicked from medical school permanently. I also didn't get back a room on Irvine Hall and had to scramble to find a place to live just days before the exam. Things were beginning to look up.

I was now on the Rex Nettlefford Hall and decided to throw myself into everything I could possibly do. Dance society, CEAC committee, EAC committee, Carnival committee. I was planning to dominate. THEN came the roadblocks. Issues with a flatmate escalated into several meetings with Rex administration. A physical altercation with a partner at the time that resulted in the police being called and admin getting involved again. I was frustrated and tired. I had come to Mona to have a clean slate and as soon as things started getting better academically they were getting worse in other aspects. The weekend after the physical altercation happened, due to threats being made, it was not safe for me to be on Hall so I went to my aunt's house. I sat in the bathtub and bawled my eyes out. I was sick of it. To the best of my ability, I always tried to be a good person. I'm honest maybe to a fault, kind and considerate. I may have a sharp tongue when I'm upset but we all I have our vices. I felt like God was punishing me, I kept getting the short end of the stick. I fell asleep that night with tears staining my cheeks but I woke up a new woman, a stronger woman. A woman who had some of her worst fears come true and was no longer scared of anything. The world was ready for my taking. I had been burnt, again and again, and again but I rose from the ashes each time, stronger than the last, a more beautiful Phoenix than the time before.

I can not claim to have been able to get up each time by myself. They were always hands there ready to help lift me up from the grey ash. Hands in the form of my close friends Koy, Monifa and Rachael to name a few who stuck by the friendship through ignored calls and texts and the distance. Hands in the form of kind words of encouragement from family and friends. I was never particularly close to my father even though we lived together but after all the cussing and quarrelling he drove to Kingston every Wednesday to help me study and was willing to pay whatever price to make sure I got the extra help I needed to pass. Though we may not get along, I definitely felt loved in those moments.

And so I'm sharing this with you, dear reader, not to seek clout or pity but to show you that you can do it. You can push through. One of the reasons I so badly want to win Miss UWI (which I'm super proud of myself for entering and to be chosen as one of 12 contestants from over 50 applicants) is not just for the title, but to show you that so much can change if you don't give up. You can be shaking with fear and be unable to present in front of a class of 17 people and be standing on stage performing 12 months later. Anything really is possible. So if you were burnt to cinders in 2019, 2020 is your Phoenix year. The year you rise to the greatness God intended you to. And it SHALL come to pass. Inshallah.

Comments

  1. Girl u can go it .. Phoenix is my spirit animal as well. I myself have burnt to ashes an has risen again .. ❤️❤️

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    1. Thanks so much hun! I think its a process lots of us can relate to, which is why I used that analogy.

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    1. Thanks Mommy. I know I can count on you for good advice.

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  3. Thanks Shantal. I appreciate it a lot!

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  4. This is the struggle that many persons don't see or talk about. Proud of You for pushing through and also for sharing.You got this Miss UWi (Speaking it into being)❤️����

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    1. Thanks Gabby! I hope so. Even if I don't the experience will definitely be good and it's a step outside of my comfort zone!

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  5. What's yours is yours girl! This was real beautiful to read.

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    1. Truly! What God wants cannot be taken away! Thanks hun

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  6. Thank you for being brave enough to share your heart Margie. A true PHOENIX!!This is only the start of your journey, to even greater heights!

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    1. Thanks Tina!! Appreciate it. You and everyone else in class has been so encouraging and understanding. Love you guys.

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  7. This is just WOW!! I would never have known. Girl am so proud of you. Keep being true and what is yours will always be yours. Proud of you❤

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    1. Yes! Was very unsure whether I should have written this and to say this isn't even half the story! Thanks so much. Really makes me feel like sharing was worth it!

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  8. Martyne I am in shock. This teaches us many lessons.. but he one that stood out for me is that.. you never know what people are hiding behind their smiles. I am so so so so proud of you and even in your pain you support me nonetheless with my dream. I promise for 2020 that you will receive more support from me to you. You are awesome you are amazing and you will make it. A setback is preparation for a comeback.. and what a MIGHTY comeback that will be. I will be praying for you.. and just like you I have had to seek help for my mental health. I am proud of you for stating that as well. We have to realize when we need help and go get it!

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    1. Boy this means so much to me Antoin. Honestly, you do learn how to be a better human when things aren't going well for you. Made it my mission that whatever I went through wouldn't be in vain and it would help someone. I try to be as kind and supportive as possible. Thanks so much and I'm glad it could teach you something. 2020 is ours!!

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  9. From IG, I’ve definitely seen that growth especially when it comes to confidence and being a role model. I absolutely loved it! Since you want honesty there were a few errors but other than that,I enjoyed reading it. Good job!
    Note: I hate reading so this was definitely good

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    1. Hey Kris-Anne!! Thanks so much for the feedback and the kind words. I am able to edit it so you can let me know what the errors are. Thanks again.

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  10. So inspiring. A strong woman indeed. 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

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  11. Your story is quite relatable even if our situations are different. Great job for pushing through, and for seeking help. The only time I sought help at UWI H/C (at Mona ie) I wasn't pleased with the help so I never went back. Instead journalling, music, talking to my bf (at the time) or friends and going out in nature + trying to keep a life outside of medical school kept me sane, but I definitely had some dark days and considered suicide a few times. Knowing that suicide doesn't end pain but only transfers it someone else, which in this case would mainly be my mom I decided I could never do that and so like you I turned to other outlets and managed to finish med in one piece. I'll be honest.. med will get worse before it gets better but it'll be worth at some point. Enjoy the heck out of the college experience, work damn hard but play harder and the best for 2020 & beyond.

    P.S. I wish you were on wordpress so it would be easier to follow you. I'm from adventuresfromelle.com

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    1. Thanks so much! I really like your blog and i'm so happy that you took the time out to read mine. I was recommended to do counselling at UWI Mona by Rex based on the situation but I haven't gone because to me my number one issue at the time was safety and i felt slightly offended that instead of dealing with the guy they were sending me to counselling. I was thinking of going back this semester because the situation has caused some emotional trauma but now I'm more unsure because you're not the first person I've heard say that about the the services at UWI health centre. Wish i could transfer my WJC therapist to Mona. I really doubt i'll be able to afford therapy outside without telling my parents which i'm not comfortable with, so i'll try your methods.
      Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement! and I'll look into word press. Wishing you all the best for 2020 as well and can't wait for your next post!

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